Feeling (Not So) Damn Good...

So, two Sundays ago in the cool air of the church auditorium, I listened to a story being told from the bible. It would be the umpteenth time I'd be hearing this story since I was a kid, but the first time I would ever stop and slowly digest a character that I never really taken an interest in ever since I'd heard the story.

I'm sure most of us all know the story of the prodigal son who requested for his share of wealth from his father (a king) and blew it all up, then he became less than a servant in a land where the people were seen as less than equals to his own people.

As I sat and listened to the analogy of this story, my ears stood (like a dogs' would) when his brother was analysed.

Quiet, never troubled his father, got his share of wealth (only because his brother requested for his), never caused any trouble, calm, reserved, speaks only when spoken too.......

I felt sad instantly....not for him, but for myself.

I've always played it safe like the first son, not to say I'm 100% goody two shoes or anything like that, but for the life of me I never take risks! I wonder if it has to do with the fact that nothing really excites me, not even "supposed" milestones in life (which i see as a very serious issue).

I usually sit down and take in whatever comes my way.... things happen in my life that i don't like and i just sit there waiting/hoping/wishing for them to change. I find it really really hard to complain or express my feelings, and when and if i eventually do it means that I'm probably sick of it to the point that it makes me sick.

Going back to the bible story...

The wayward brother got the best of both worlds, not to say I'm encouraging being wayward, but....
He caught the heart of his father more than his brother did, why? Because his father (like most heads/fathers/leaders), they are not moved my people who are static, people who just say yes to everything you say, people who don't challenge other people, people who have dreams and wishes buried inside them but are too afraid to birth them because they don't want to seem rude, or out of line.........people who don't speak their
mind or take risks.

How on earth am I going to make a difference in life if i always play safe?

Gosh!

I'm tired, I'm down, I'm angry at myself....I don't mean to sound ungrateful to God, but I'm not just myself...if I were white (no offence) I'd be diagnosed with depression and I'd be feeling slightly suicidal. It's ironic as nothing in wrong in my life at the moment. I guess it's just a phase, or perhaps I'm sucking up more than I should and I just haven't realised it yet.

I'm whining .........

Have a great weekend everyone...

Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device